For so long I have felt like I have no story to tell and be vulnerable about like most people do. Yet, I write. So I never wanted to use my name on WordPress because it felt too sentimental. Also it seemed as though by displaying my name I was claiming to be someone noteworthy. Of which I am, but I’ll get to that. Names are just… sacred. Too bad, the link to my site is my name (but strangers don’t easily pick that up — or do they?).
Yesterday I finally added my name and picture to my profile, big deal. Khanani was so kind to ask for my name. I had to sit for a while before I replied her because I was asking myself why I hadn’t done so in the beginning. We find ourselves lacking confidence to be. Struggling to accept that we’re uniquely important to the world. I realized that my decision to be addressed as Anomaly was because I had no courage to be myself. Writing under a pen name relieves pressure from a person in some way. I can’t quite explain it but, yeaa the sense of anonymity is just different. I wanted to hide. For most people it’s easier to dismiss our worth than it is to embrace it.
The decision to keep my name from the blogosphere was laced with self doubt. Having people put a name and a face to what I wrote, my real name — was too daunting for me. I felt the need to protect myself from being seen. Of course I shared my writing on my Facebook timeline, used my pictures and WhatsApp statuses, the people I know were not my concern. Never have been. In fact, they addressed me as Anomaly at some point and it was comforting (oh, comfort zones).
But there’s you, the strangers who cared to read my work that I was afraid to be known by and be accountable to. The very people who have kept me writing til now. I was intimidated by your kindness. To know that you’re interested in what I have to say and the state of my mind — is humbling.
This place has allowed for me to grow into who I am with grace. The truth is that as much as I was willing to show up for purpose, it was just hard. I am in over my head with this writing commitment. Writing has required for me to surrender my thoughts and heart to God so that He can use them to speak to you. I couldn’t throw my name in there too. At least not intentionally. I’ve had to set aside my pride for the benefit of embracing authenticity and presenting myself true to you. It’s been a difficult road partly because I’ve encountered people who tried to box me into their idea of they think I am. Taking a shot at writing meant that I would be vulnerable to their rejection and possibly opposition. Ultimately meant that they could see me for who I really am, our species doesn’t really know how to handle this. Tough.
Writing is a delicate art. I am just a girl with a love for letters of the alphabet and the infinite beauty they can create when weaved together. Sharing my name is like marrying myself to the work I put out. I just wanted to be friends with my blog, but now we are partners in purpose.
Anyho, here we are! 2 years, 3 months and 15 days later — I have come to terms with sharing my name. I mean, it was everywhere, but I never owned it. Khanani, thank you. I feel like I’ve stepped into a new dimension of freedom. Oh boy… the weight of responsibility!
Is there anything you’re too proud to see about yourself? Or maybe there is something you’re struggling to come to terms with. Give yourself time. You’re evolving.